Now A LOT of strange things have made an appearance on baseballcardvandals.com over the last 14 months, some of them inspiring, some of them unfortunate, and some of them just plain BORING. Everyone knows it's the best place on the internet for incredible Sharpie drawings and portraits of your favorite movie stars and your least favorite moms.
But today, we're not gonna talk about visuals. Instead, we are going to celebrate those magical moments of baseball card vandalization that make a mockery of the English language and give birth to new ways of saying DUMB SHIT. You see, we have no advance idea of what joke/drawing we might come up with on a card--the joke emerges out of whatever words & numbers are already there and/or whatever stupid things are going on in the photo. Every once in a while, the tension between the words already on the card and the words we want to write gives life to something VERY, VERY WEIRD that may well have never, ever been said before.
What the F*** am I talking about? I don't really know so let's just look at the cards...
If anyone has ever seriously uttered these words then they lost the human body lottery BAD.
This guy's room looks like friggin' Maui, bro.
19. I Want Her To Tug Me Raw
There has to be a better way to talk about sex or HJs or whatever the hell he's got in mind.
This is actually the centerpiece of the new Republican healthcare plan which is called "Just Go Talk To The Weird Men At Your Church About Your Body Problems".
It's about time this guy gets credit for his very UNDER-appreciated work.
I literally have no clue what is happening here or what this could possibly be all about.
Nothing spoils the mood like pulling out the Clorox wipes right after leaving your woman unsatisfied.
A whole ham? Don't be a pig.
Touched by the hair of my chinny chin chin.
We've all been there, but we've never said that.
They just can't seem to find a more casual way to express their feelings.
10. Beard on Tar
If you throw enough jokes, some of them stick.
9. A Fart is Poop and Air Mixed
This man is not a real science teacher, don't allow him near your kids.
8. K Carrier
I feel bad, coach told him it was a really important job but it's not really even a thing.
Wait, I get lots of emails from strange fake women that actually might include this line.
You see what happens when a Siberian tigress has sex with a human man?
It's probably a lot more difficult than this drawing suggests.
OK, that is just the worst thing I've ever read.
Or tweezers, apparently.
Why don't you make like a TREE & LEAVE.
This is actually a deleted scene from the first Ace Ventura.
Well there you have it. Now you know the terrible contributions that we've made to the English language. We're sorry. And we're REALLY sorry if there is anyone out there who was actually born with tiger's mark or a reardong.
WE LOVE YOU. BYE.